Recently, I was invited to read with two other writers. One gay and one bisexual. The bi writer made me reflect about a type of open relationship I had not contemplated before.

For over a decade, the bisexual man had been living straight and having men on the downlow. He decided it was time to tell his wife and children. He told us he decided that it was time to bring other bi men into the relationship. Many men, he said. He says the wife and children were okay with this. He decided after two years or so that he wanted to bring women into the three-way even when his wife is not bisexual. And he decided to write and publish a book about being a bisexual husband. He decided this, he decided that…

This is how he told the story.

I kept thinking of the wife and what decision making she has. They are still together. I get so pious when I hear about alternative arrangements. It is such an accessible mood. I would not do this, I would not do that to my partner. I would have us workshop it, call for committee meetings and long reflective walks.

It was certainly odd to hear the bisexual writer tell how he had one-uped his gay father.

I know little about bisexual open relationships even when I have met bisexuals socially and, probably, have had sex with bisexual men. I wondered what will happen when he or his wife or both fall out of love and/or in love with another person. But this happens to cats and dogs regardless their orientation or gender.

But are there important differences between two men that open a relationship and a man and woman or a trans and not trans couple etc. that open up to others? Open up sexually and/or emotionally and/or spiritually?

We are titillated by these “exotic” mixings. People think that they understand “open relationships” but it is one of the biggest and deepest relational black boxes I have ever tried to open. A Pandora’s box.

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