The risk of NOT opening your relationship
This I write for gay men, but surely there are morsels here
for the straights reading these lines. I was in a barely spoken open
relationship for years. I have always been in an open relationship, known and unbeknownst
to me. Gay sex is like train stations, crisscrossed by motivations, traffic,
arrivals and departures. It is not for the anti-social. Gay sex is no less valid, moral or friendly than other types of animal sex, but it is alarmingly
Since my childhood times, when I was made to kneel for Catholic prayers and later in the day for
priestly cock, I have always figured that monogamy is historically an impossibility. Monogamy is often surrounded a great deal of hypocrisy. I was always too verbal, oral
and mouthy about my licentious sexual life.
Like many gay men, I found solace
in the fleeting hookup and found validation in glorifying it. Like many gay men, I
was stigmatized for it, opportunities were denied to me and other men denied themselves opportunities to fuck, to learn, to take me seriously in my
voracity. Their envy and scorn only augmented with my getting HIV in 1986, at 23. I have lived
the unwanted life of an ultra minor porn star. I have also learned a few
The advent of specific kinds of gay
marriage with announcements in New York Times, purchase of surrogate mother
children and newly found monogamy makes me wonder. Haven’t I seen those brand new
squeaky clean fathers sucking cock demented on meth somewhere? I guess, we all have chances to atone and become the prophet of decent gay sex. Is this just my envy of
a Pollyanna marriage with white picket fence?
In any case, here is what I think
gay men might be misplacing if they do not open their legs, and their hearts, to “open
We can’t be everything to one man.
We are hybrid, multiple and increasingly scattered. I aim for variety of
experience but not dissolution. I have a hard time thinking that two men will
be monogamous for more than two years–two hours? Telling each other is another story. I
do not call this cheating, but lack of communication. This woman says it all
much better than I do http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved Watch her!
Relationships with others keep us
fresh and wanting and a bit vulnerable and jealous. To those men who choose to
believe that they can satisfy their man 100%, kudos to you. And get real. Now, there
is always resorting to that goold old faith-based repression, not do anything, not watch any porn, ogle no other man at
the gym, the clinic waiting room, the funeral or the soccer game. Repression is
like drinking nitroglycerin, it seems to me. It has to detonate sometime.
If sex or sex and love, or Internet
sex, or internet sex and love with others, or platonic with your straight pal is
not an “open relationship”, it simply has no cowbell around its neck. Yet. Not having
the open relationship is missing something better than visiting glaciers, mountains, famous
burial sites, pyramids or castles. It is missing on the afterfuck conversation or the bad sex
that makes you yearn for your sweetie at home. Or missing meeting a great new
friend who is also married or attached and learning in confidence what joy or
fuckup their life is, how they go about making it better or worse.
Yes, some of you princesses will be quick to point out, you saving yourself and your entire family potential
health infections (because everyone out there is out to get you, infect you and
kill you!). I say, you are also missing on so much learning. Is this hippie freelove naive enough for you?
The risk of open relationships
between men are using the better fuck as a weapon to tell your hubby or BF how
substandard his powertopping is, how fucked up he is on meth and how sober and
attentive and present the other guy was. The muscled dude who fucked you an hour
ago was the perfect man, stupid but strapping, with a bright career as a sales associate. Open relationships are to compare with yours but not to give grades to others,
much less to your main man.
The risk of open relationships is revealing the
weakness and staleness and uninspiring day to day of your present relationship. The risk of open
relationship is that time is fleeting and you might be spending too much time
glued to a cyber phantom on the screen or having cinq-à-sept at the end of your busy workdays. The risk of open relationship is to not try hard enough in the
one you have now, the main event and the long time commitment. But, guess what?
Those are risks that exist anyway, whether you are in an open relationship or
not. Take the time today to suck your lover’s dick and tell him that you are
dreaming you had a love affair on the side with Daniel Craig or Channing Tatum—experiment!